It’s so easy to want to figure out why, so we can explain it away. Was he bitter over a failed relationship? Was he recently fired and in hopeless economic despair and needed to get out his pain by inflicting it on others? Was he mentally ill? Was he just reacting to a society gone awry? If we had an answer, it would give us a way out of the sorrow and fear we feel. If we can answer that, then we can assure ourselves that it could not happen here, because of x y z. We need to blame something – it can not just be senseless, random violence. Because that can happen anywhere, and could happen to any one of us.
And it could.
But I want to choose not to think over that. I want to banish that thought out of my mind. Because if I don’t, I would choose to obsess over it, and be afraid every time I step out of my bed. I would rather live in a bubble than have it popped by a 12-gauge shotgun.
Which today, when the CNN alert came to my blackberry, it did, and the bubble popped. It took a while for the shock to leave, and now that it has I have to rebuild the bubble.
But is that part of life, knowing that it might end when you least expect it? Death is rarely on our minds, if we’re lucky. How can we live life obsessing over the fact that we might just die the next second?
Why is this affecting me so much? I mean, I’ve never been to TVUU, I didn’t know any of the victims, never met anyone from TVUU in all likelihood. And gun violence happens every day in Atlanta. Why would this do it? It’s part due to such violence in a house of love. Uniarians are some of the most open, welcoming, loving people I’ve ever encountered, and the stark contrast between that radical love and radical violence is too much to process at once. Part much be that Unitarians are such a small community nationwide, especially here in the southeast, that when something like this happens to some of us it affects all of us. Part of it is due to this happening during a youth performance. I can’t even begin to imagine how I would cope if this happened during my yruu kids’ performance. Much less imagine how I would help them cope with something that makes so little sense it’s un-process-able. I read one account that said one of the little girls who was performing was covered in blood. How could she ever step foot in that sanctuary without reliving the worst experience of her life?
I can’t imagine the terror and sorrow those congregants are feeling right now up 75 in Knoxille. I can’t imagine the tears being shed in Knoxville tonight, but if anyone from Knoxville is reading this, know that tears are being shed nationwide tonight.
[Note: this was written Sunday Night, 8:30ish]
