Things are better

For those concerned,

Things are much better, with the help of church and a friend from church.  Although I’m struggling to find a better way of saying “thank you” as those two words just don’t seem strong enough.  Although life won’t be the same, I’ll be a better person coming out of this thanks to she-who-shall-remain-nameless.  So life won’t be the same…but it’s going to be an improvement.

I’ll have learned a lot from this week.  As she-who-shall-remain-nameless told me on the phone, your times of deepest pain are the most meaningful times you grow.  If only I can somehow convince my heart of that.  And she even got me to laugh for the first time this week.

So, although details will probably never be posted, rest assured no one died and I’m healthy.  And I’m going to take steps to get back on the beaten path.

I might have found God as a last resort.

Things are better today than yesterday.  What looked to be a particuarly hopeless situation has some glimmers in there.  Which is good…yesterday my thoughts drifted places they hadn’t in a long time.

Last night when I got home from work, I grabbed a bottle of wine.  But before I could get the cork off, I was already crying.  I found myself feeling pretty hopeless, and I did something I didn’t expect I would – I prayed.  To god.  To God with a capital G.  I won’t get into details of what I prayed about, because I still don’t feel comfortable talking about it.  I muttered my thoughts, my desperations, and my flaws.  I asked for help, for guidance.  I don’t even remember everything I prayed in retrospect. But I prayed.

I eventually stopped crying and went to bed, after chatting with some folks online just to get my mind off me for a few minutes.

Today, that little glimmer of hope and help came, and something that seemed unsurmountable might just have been made surmountable.  There’s still work to do, but now I can see the path whereas before I was lost in the dark forest of despair.  I can see some milestones ahead in the distance to get me out of here.

I don’t know if God listened or not.  But before, instead of just getting so fustrated with myself  and as a result breaking down, I kept it together.  And part of me is scared to admit that another part of me is chalking that up to something divine.

Today is Mardi Gras, the day before Lent.  I’ve decided to honor Lent this year.  And instead of giving up something on the periphery, I’m giving up something that’s become a part of me – diet coke.  On a daily basis, I must drink about a 2-liter of diet coke.  Thats right, 2 liters of diet coke daily.  So, I’m going to do my best, to show some strength in a time where I feel like I have none.

The most innoculous, terrible question with the harshest lie

“How are you?” asked by Barbara, the cashier at Publix.

Such an innoculous question.  The automatic answer “Fine” comes out without a concious thought nowadays.

I once vowed to always answer that question truthfully.  But today, I’m having just a terrible day.  And I really don’t want to talk about it.  But it’s up there on the worst-days-list.  (Don’t worry friends, no one died.)  Today, en route to that Publix, I was on the verge of tears.  But I pulled myself together, as I must, as I was taught growing up, and went inside to buy my Axe body spray.

Then she asked.   Then I froze.  And I had to force out a reply – “fine.”  That must have sounded like the surliest “fine” she had ever heard.  She looked confused, but let it go.

I couldn’t tell her “I’m doing terrible.  Thanks for asking.”  Besdies the inevitable follow up questions which I did not and still do not want to answer right now, I’m then placing an unfair burden of guilt on a stranger.  Yes, I know “well, she did ask.”  But a) very few people who ask that really want to know the truth, they just do it to be polite (maybe that’s just a southern thing, I don’t know) and b) I don’t feel like I have the right to make someone worried or concerned.

I originally had something else as b.  But the more I think about it, the more that the new b might just be right.  That, I can blame partially if not entirely on my upbringing and coping with so many deaths at such a young age.

.I felt like I heard a nail, nailing yet another closet door shut, like part of me just died a little.  And I know that every time I answer “fine” to a question, I only make things worse.

I had a discussion with someone at work, a Korean female, who I knew was having a terrbile day.  I asked how she was, and she said “fine.”  I knew it was clearly a lie, so I told her that she didn’t have to lie to me, and if it was a terrible day than she can say so.  She told me that as a Korean female she just isn’t allowed to have a bad day, and especially not allowed to tell others if she is.

I thought it was nuts.  But now I know exactly what she meant.

Wow. Go Iceland. A huge GLBTQ moment.

Iceland has a pretty crappy 2008, with the near bankrupcy of the government.  But I’ve got to say I think that there is at least one bright spot to come out of the terrible, terrible financial problems the country is having.

They have the first openly gay head of government of modern times with newly elected Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, a lesbian who has a civil union with her partner.  That’s just freakin’ awesome and extremely inspirational.  Wow!

Yes, I can be a UU and know that if there’s holding in the endzone it’s a safety

Last night we had a superbowl party.  About a dozen unitarians all crowded around snack food and watching the big game.  I had decided to root for Arizona, being the underdogs, and had a couple of people rooting for Arizona with me.  There were some others rooting for Pittsburg, for their political leanings.  Even those Arizona lost, that was a hell of a game, and a much better game than I was expecting.

I’m a Unitarian.  I like sports (Most notably NFL, College Football and Basketball.)  That doesn’t seem hard to understand, although the person sitting next to me at said party was dumbfounded when I was yelling at the TV about some of the bad calls made by the refs (I’m sorry, but at the end that should have been an incomplete pass, not a fumble by Warner.)  She made the comment that I’m a unitarian – why the hell do I know stuff about sports?  It was in jest (I hope) but the thoughts still there.  (Hence, my Pop-UU from a year or two ago.) And it’s aggravating.

I would rather watch football then go to the symphony.  Does that make me a bad UU?  It just might, but I think it makes me like an overwhelming majority of Americans though.  (That might me one of the few things I’m in the majority of!  heh.)