back on the wagon

So I rejoined weight watchers yesterday after falling off (and then eating) the wagon. I want to make grandiose promises that this will be the last time I have to rejoin, but I know I can’t make that. I have to take it one day and one week at a time.

And let me tell you – this first day back blows. I want some french fries.

Weight Watcher Maddness

So I was having a pretty shitty day (see prior post) when I roll in to Weight Watchers after a little quiet time at a bookstore.  It was an odd weight watcher week for me – some days I did great, a lot of days I under ate to tell you the truth, I worked out an hour on Wednesday, and last night was all kids of screwy – I was up almost all night, didn’t eat a lot, and got a lot of exercise running after middle schoolers.  But friday night I went out to eat with da boss and have a burger and fries.  I had that twice over the week actually.  But I reemphasized getting my water in.

So I wasn’t sure what to expect.

I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to lost seven pounds this week.  Seven pounds!  What the hell?!?  Where did that one come from.  I hit not only 25 pounds but 30 pounds lost.

And I did something that brought out the drama queen in me.

Like most people, I have 3 different belts.  I’ve got a fat belt, a fatter belt, and a fattest belt.  Well, my fattest belt was too big.  It’s happened before, but this time instead of keeping it in the closet I went to my weight watcher meeting and cut the belt in half.

I know that if I keep my fat clothes around, I’m going to want to rely on them as a safety net, so if I do gain the weight back then it’s ok, because I’ve still got clothes for it.

Not this time around.  When the clothes get too big to be salvageable, it’s getting thrown away or donated.  No more safety net!  Except one certain outfit – that’s my “before” outfit I look forward to wearing one day and getting lost in a sea of fabric.

Self-Starvation in the name of beauty

Ok, this is just a weight watchers update.  I wanted to title this “Self-Starvation in the name of Christ” but figured that should be left to lent.

SO my first week back on program I lost 5.5….which I know is great but I was hoping for more.  I know…thats ridiculous, but the last times I joined/rejoined WW I lost like, 8, in the first week.  So I was kinda down leaving my WW meeting…until that night when I realized I wrote pants and a belt instead of the shorts I wore to last week’s weigh in (fellow WW’ers share my pain there!  What was I thinking?!?)   so that made me feel better.  This week I’ve already been working out…back DDRing.  Well, let me tell you, I hurt.  Not from the actual working out of muscles, per se, but see, there’s a lot of bouncing involved in DDR and jumping, and I swear to you, two fat rolls were bouncing too hard and got the whole area sore.  *rolls eyes*

So I’m looking forward to this week’s WI…although tomorrow morning I’ve got a surprise breakfast with my sister at IHOP.  eek.  But I’m going to eat beforehand and probably just drink coffee or diet coke or maybe have some fruit.

Now, about the title.  I remember once at WW we were talking about our motivation.  Most of the people there were all about health, their doctors recommended it, etc.  I was the only one who stood up and said “I’m doing this so I can look hot.” I’m *not* really doing it for health…I’m doing it so the image in the mirror matches the one I’d like to see.   Now I realize that comment sends off alarm bells to professionals – future eating disorder talk there.  I know I’ve got uber-major self-body issues, and as I talked about at my small group I realize that dropping the weight won’t correct the internal stuff…but thats why I’m doing WW.  In the words of Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, “I want to look good naked!”

Steakburger

I.  would.  kill.  for.  a.  steakburger.  from.  Steak.  n.  Shake.  right.  now.

Can you tell I’m back on Weight Watchers?  This time last week I would have just gone and gotten one…or ordered pizza by now.   I did well OP today – even including my long island iced tea tonight.  But damn it all to hell and back I want a steak burger.  I’ll be back on the swing of it in a couple of weeks…but damn it’s hard going from “I’ll eat whatever I want whenever I want it” to “portion control.”  Was it this hard last time getting restarted?

This is turning out to be one ugly week

I apparently need to warn now when I’m venting without expectation.  SO here we go-

This is turning out to be one ugly week.  I feel completely exhausted – mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by everything, like I’ve been dog paddling in the deep end for ages and just don’t want to keep going, and it’s not a pleasant feeling.

Work is now having me work an extra hour a day so I can help train new folks.  Well.  That would be wonderful.  If they would bother paying me for it.  Alas, we now add an extra hour and a massive headache on top of an already crumbling Kinsi and it makes him exhausted.  With an hour to of, my butt is dragging at work.  I had to live off chocolate-covered espresso beans.

All I could think about today was a hamburger.  I had to drive half an hour in the middle of the work day to make it from where I was training in how to train and I hadn’t had lunch.  I passed by so many delicious looking fast food hamburger restaurants.  I instead went to Blimpe, where I just had a god awful sub.

I mean, it really stunk.

I usually go to Publix for subs, which I love, but due to time couldn’t make it since I had 20 minutes to get lunch, eat it, and make it back to my normal location so I could get ready for my normal day.  And I was really annoyed that the sub sucked when I passed by so many delicious-looking hamburgers.  Weight Watchers sucks and this week sucked on WW.  Who cares if I die by the time I’m 39 and I never get a man because I’m a fat-ass.  I could have had a hamburger today and passed it up.  I don’t think I’ll go to WW this week – I’m freaking exhausted and need the sleep Friday morning since I doubt I’ll get much sleep this weekend.

Luckily the kiddos at work were great, and I left in a somewhat good mood, although I’m really, really worried about one of the kids I had tonight.  Her parents are going through a god-awful divorce and it breaks my heart to see how much pain she’s in.

Church stuff is just wearing me out too, and this weekend is just going to zap all of my energy – I’m spending several nights at church to supervise these kiddos coming in from out of town for the big convocation the church is having.  So I’m spending all weekend there pretty much.  Joy.  I really hope I don’t have some hella-burn out afterwards.  I’ve gotta lead small group this weekend too, due to unforeseen circumstances beyond any sort of control on my part, and have no clue what I’m doing for that.  And to top if all off, I questioned whether my church is the right place for me, for the first time ever.  And I still don’t know what I think about that.

Argh I feel like a damn failure!

Argh!  I feel like a failure.

I’ve had an annoying past 24 hours, and its making me feel like a failure.  And it pisses me off that I let myself feel like this when it’s not really anything that serious.

Yesterday at work I just sucked.  I’m a tutor, and I felt completely stupid and worthless with a couple of kids.  I was constantly behind, playing catch up the whole day.  I’m a tutor – stupid tutors aren’t good, and when this tutor tutor feels completely stupid then its like I’m not good at my job.  My first block had a calculus student doing integration (no problem there actually), a cute-as-a-button-4th grader I like working with because he tells me how life should be, and a senior I’ve worked with forever and likes working with me.  This is the senior that started the feelings of complete and total failure-rific inadequacy I feel.

The first question she asked, and the first question of my day, involved centripetal acceleration, going around a curve of r radius, weighing m kilograms.  The road is slippery and the coefficient of kinetic friction is only .5.  The road is banked at a 6 degree angle.  Will it skid?

Here those crickets?  Thats the sound that was in my head during this too.  I barley remember covering this in my AP Physics class 7 years ago, and all I remember is that I didn’t get it then.  The physics book I had was completely worthless, and I couldn’t escape to google how to do it due to the 4th grader there.  Ugh.

The rest of the day was like that.  I had mostly schoolwork kids, three calculus students, and I felt kinda overwhelmed at one point.  During the last session I had a kid who is either just stupid or is faking it or some combination of both; i hate working with this kid…he annoys me.  One teacher sent over a kid to my table for help with schoolwork math, when it was something i had taught him how to do like, 6 months ago.  I got kinda ticked – It aggravates me when I spent a month teaching how to do one specific kind of word problem then a couple of months later its completely forgotten.  Makes me feel worthless.

THEN TODAY at Weight Watchers I utterly failed life.

Ok.  Not that serious.  But still!  I needed to lose .8 pounds last week to make it to -25 since Dec. 1st.  I knew it was going to happen.  WELL IT DIDN’T.  I only lost .4 pounds.  What the hell is up with that.  Now I know a lot of people have told me that “oh, you did so great in the past, one off week isok and perfectly normal” or “better than gaining that much, eh?”  Well screw all of you who think that and want to tell me that.  That is just not the right thing to say to me when I’m pissed off at myself for eating too much pizza on Wednesday, drinking too much last weekend, not working out, etc. etc.  But if someone tells me that I need to shape up, or I dropped the ball last week (thank you mother) then I get pissed off too.  I’m just pissed off.  I don’t expect anyone to make it better unless they want to buy melipo.  Nothing can really be said to console someone who is irrationally angry.

To my old lady posse who sits in the WW meetings with me – next time when I lose .4 f’n pounds, please don’t console me with my past victories.  That makes me feel any worse.  Is there any reason why the only thing I said at the meeting after that was a biting sarcastic remark about not needing to worry about putting my makeup back on after I finish working out?

So now I feel like a stupid fat failure.  Just wonderful.

I’m going into work on my day off, to be nice.  For free.  I’m not getting paid for this.  I do a day before the big scary standardized test review session, and its today.  Those kids better be nice to me or risk a big stupid fat guy going postal on them.

End rant.

Weight Watchers Update-o-rama

Well, it’s been almost a month on weight watchers (I restarted Dec. 1st) and I’ve lost exactly 15 pounds.  I’m averaging about 2.5 a week now, which is pretty darn good.  I bought myself a playstation 2 and a DDR set to have fun working out, and its working.  They have a workout mode where you can set time, etc., and I’m averageing like, 500 calories burnt in 30 minutes.

I’m noticing myself lose weight in my tummy – yay!

First two days on Weight Watchers

have been rough.  I had to overcome two somewhat large obstacles, and it took a lot of willpower.  Yesterday during my free SAT review session at work we ordered pizza.  When I say we I mean me.  Pizza’s one of my danger foods.  Pizza and potatoes.  I don’t think I’m at the point where I can only eat one slice (or a couple of fries, etc.) and I had to avoid the pizza like the plague, in that tiny enclosed space.  Luckily it was on my first day back on program, and I had the extra motivation to not eatany.  Or any of the leftovers.

Today one of the kids who ususally gives me a headache surprised me by bringing me a can of cheetos (a couple of weeks ago we had shared a can.)  He dropped it off at my desk on the way to another teacher.  Well, I didn’t want to give it back, this kid is having some troubles with the whole tutoring thing and don’t want to offer any possible setbacks.  So I hid it behind my desk until the next block of classes when he left, and gave it out to all the students there.  I couldn’t resist and took one stupid cheeto and ate it, but that was enough and even with the cheetos directly under my nose I resisted.

This doesn’t bode well if I’m pouring this much effort in the first two days on not making these bad eating choices.  I’ve been making a lot of good ones – i.e. walking in place during halftime to work off the extra point I ate via WW Cookie Dough Ice Cream Sundae, the subs for lunch, mega veggies, etc.  But good lord is this more difficult than I remember.

I got bored last night, and did a tarot card reading with my new tarot deck, and asked the celtic cross how I’d do on WW this time around.  It told me I had the right motivation, and right goals in mind, and would utterly fail.  How heartwarming.  So I’m aiming to prove that taort deck wrong.

If I hit my goal I might have a bonfire.

WHEN I hit my goal.  When.  Not if.  When I hit it, well, it’ll be a long time from now probably.  Got a long way to go.

NaNoWriMo is over!

I ended up with 125k words.  I did not actually reach my goal of 150k, and the novel is, alas, not finished.  It’ll be done in about 25k words.  Thanksgiving just sucked the life out of me – the long, extended trip with the family which was rather hellish and then getting a cold….put my out of comission this week.

But thats ok.  I can’t belive I freaking wrote 125,000 words this month.  Wowza.

So whats next?  Gotta finish it, then back to real life.  I did, actually, have some thoughts of new story ideas and I found a little motivation to work on my prior unfinished masterpiece 41 sunflowers.  So I gotta use that.  Gotta keep blogging, and starting Dec. 1st I am back on program for Weight Watchers.

Hopefully this’ll be the last time I have to restart weight watchers.

And to everyone Unitarianish reading this, head over to the Blog Carnival and write about this months topic – UU in the Workplace.  I’ll certainly have my experiences up sooner than later.

I hate you Billy Blanks

Ok, so I'm back on Weight Watchers,this time I promise I'm fairly legit.  I ate a big dinner (damn you papa johns breadsticks!) so I decided to try out my brand new billy blanks tae bo boot camp.

 What in the hell was I thinking?

Ok, so I could scream my way through a lot of the arm band excercises, sure.  Well, at least 60-75% of the reps.  I'm sorry, but "three counts of eight" to me means three counts of "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8" not six counts of "1-2 -3-4-5-6-7-8-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1".  And just ive up on the ab excercies.  If I do a crunch no one can tell because of *all the flab*  I tried to do one of the side excersies and almost broke my hip.  I let out a shriek and rolled back over, and flipped off Billy Banks.

See picture for proof.  This is taken from my position, lying on my floor, watching those pretty people do their prety ab excersies that my fat ass as no hope of acocmplishing yet. 

 

At least this serires has a really hot gay man in it.  Something to movate me.  So, now time to die, take a shower, and die some more. 

It hurts to move the mouse.