On Suicide and Unitarian Universalism – An Extended Post

Every 16.2 minutes, someone in America kills himself or herself.

Every 2 hours and 2.1 minutes, someone aged 15-24 kills himself or herself.

[American Association of Suicidology]

I remember reading the book Ordinary People in 10th grade, so when I saw it pop up on a recommended list via Blockbuster Online, I knew I wanted to get it. Well, I watched it for the first time last night, and watched it again tonight, and will probably watch it again every night for the foreseeable future. It’s incredible, and it’s stirring up thoughts, memories and experiences long since tucked away in the furthest corners of my mind. In fact, it’s keeping me up right now as I write this, unable to sleep. I don’t know if this post is ever, ever going to make it up on the blog or not, but rest assured I should be in bed right now due to needing to wake up in 6 hours to go to work. [A/N: I did decide to post it two days after writing that.] I’ll have to do a later post on all of these emotions from that movie, but that’s for later, but first, a personal story.

Flashback to a 16-year-old Kinsi – 1998. I was the tall, quiet fat kid with no real friends. I was smart, and saw my teachers more as peers. I was just starting to come out of my shell and start having friends by the end of my sophomore year. But a lot of things happened in the course of a week and it just seemed too much to handle.

I felt like the blossoming friendships were completely fake. I was trying to be friends with people, but I felt like it was all just a show and they had no desire to do anything with me outside of school. Sure I would chat online and on the phone, but it was fake. There was no one I could confide in, and it felt like these false-friendships were betraying me left and right.

I came across a box of videotapes from when my dad was alive. I watched tapes from Christmases, from little league basketball games, birthdays, etc. This was the first time since I was 10 that I truly acknowledged and accepted he was dead, and that I was alone. I was always too busy making sure my mom and my sister were stable emotionally and in a truce – I never stopped and got lost in my own thoughts. My ten-year-old self forced himself to believe that he was gone and I had to accept that…until that week.

I accepted I was gay. I had been flirting with the idea since 8th grade, but I knew it, and it was scary. I knew my family would not accept me, and I was sure that I would be completely and totally shunned in my South Georgia town. The only gay people were those that existed on the Internet in seedy chatrooms who would rather have cyber than a conversation. Ellen hadn’t come out yet, and it wasn’t seen that much on the pop culture I could find – I didn’t see how I could be gay and still live a normal life.

It all came to point around Spring Break that year…interesting to note that Spring Break is this week. Maybe there’s a reason why this is on my mind right now. The idea of suicide popped in my head. I could end the emotional pain. I could simply cease to be. I thought and considered it. I remember one afternoon I searched my bedroom for my pocketknife – alas, my room was messy, I couldn’t find it, and I was just so tired. I was tired of everything, and I ended up falling asleep. I don’t know why when I woke up that it didn’t seem as hopeless, I was still a depressed kid, but I knew something had changed. I never got that close again.

I told one of those fake friends about my thoughts. He proclaimed me as just doing it for the attention. I tired to explain to him that “I wouldn’t have these thoughts alone in my room” if it was just for the attention, but he could never hear what I was saying.

But I still had the thoughts. I remember reading/watching this in Girl, Interrupted. It went something like “once the thought is in you, it won’t go away.” That’s certainly true. While a student at Tech, for example, I would imagine how I would go if I did decide to kill myself (usually involving hanging myself off the student center balcony.) I never actually thought about the details of how I would do it, but it would just pop in my head in the most random of times.

I’m quite happy to say I don’t have these thoughts anymore, and am not nearly as depressed as I used to be, so don’t worry dear friends of mine – kinsi’s mental stability is quite fine. I went to therapy for a semester at Tech, and it helped. But I think it was just having friends I could talk to and be genuinely me with that did it – I started coming out a few months after that episode my sophomore year. Sometimes I still can feel like my mental and emotional foundation is like an amateur attempting to build a house of cards. But now I’ve got the motivation to make it to the top and be genuinely happy, but still the slightest breath or shift knocks me back down again. It’s tough rebuilding it, and nearly impossible to guard. But I want to make it there, so when the cards come tumbling down I resolve myself to get started again, no matter how many times I’ve restarted.

But so many don’t want to rebuild. Suicide is a fact of life for teens. I had friends who told me of their suicide attempts in high school [usually pill popping, but were found by parents in time to have stomach pumped.] I remember I was in awe of one girl who tried – when she told me we had a lot to talk about. We bonded, and were able to support each other when need be (although we saw each other as horribly depressed folk)

Then last year…and the suicide of a friend. He’s my age, and I heard they found him hanging by the telephone. I want to say I can’t imagine it, but I can see how someone would just give up.

Take a look at these statistics from the CDC -

Suicide took the lives of 30,622 people in 2001

In 2002, 132,353 individuals were hospitalized following suicide attempts; 116,639 were treated in emergency departments and released (CDC 2004)

I would imagine that more than 10 times the amount who tried seriously thought about it, and 10 times that number thought about it at some point.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people ages 15 to 24. In 2001, 3,971 suicides were reported in this group (Anderson and Smith 2003).

Of the total number of suicides among ages 15 to 24 in 2001, 86% (n=3,409) were male and 14% (n=562) were female (Anderson and Smith 2003). [CDC]

I think that might surprise people that male teens are more likely to kill themselves as females.

The risk factors are all true and noteworthy of mention, but this one stands out to me-

Unwillingness to seek help because of the stigma attached to mental health and substance abuse disorders or suicidal thoughts [CDC]

Oh how true this is. Suicide kills more people than homicide. [AAS] Yet how often do you hear of homicide, and how often do you hear of suicide? It’s a taboo subject in society – I’ve even scared as hell to put this up on my blog. It’s never talked about, for fear of causing pain, I assume. I certainly hope that it’s not reported because its not considered newsworthy. Durkheim showed that suicide is not a solitary act [those philosophy and sociology classes paid off! How about that!]. Maybe people think that if we report on suicide, then more people are likely to consider it…and that’s just a stupid thought. Suicide should be reported, and at the end of the report put something like “if you ever feel suicidal…call this number to talk anonymously.” With all respect to the family, if more folks were made aware of prevention hotlines, then maybe their family member would have had someone to talk to.

Most of efforts to combat suicide are seen in high schools. I think I remember some sort of “If you feel suicidal, call this number” thing. People generally know that suicide is the third leading cause of death in young people, but I’ve never seen it broken down like this -

Is suicide common among children and young people?
In 2004, suicide was the third leading cause of death in each of the following age groups.1 Of every 100,000 young people in each age group, the following number died by suicide:1
· Children ages 10 to 14 – 1.3 per 100,000
· Adolescents ages 15 to 19 – 8.2 per 100,000
· Young adults ages 20 to 24 – 12.5 per 100,000
[National Institute of Mental Health]

Look at that Young adult group – a higher suicide rate than teenagers. Why is this never talked about? And what can be done to decrease that rate for people my age? (I graduate from the 20 to 24 block in about a month.) I’ve never been exposed to an anti-suicide message in these past four years unless I searched for it.

And to my friend who proclaimed it an attention-seeking behavior,

Most suicide attempts are expressions of extreme distress, not harmless bids for attention. A person who appears suicidal should not be left alone and needs immediate mental-health treatment. [NIMH]

I want to also talk about how our faith handles suicide. I am happy to note that when I searched for Unitarian and Suicide this page from YRUU was at the top of this list.

I want to note that it’s about “Preventing Teen Suicide.” Although I do applaud these efforts, maybe we need more than just a single page about teenage suicide, and about coping for all age groups. I also tried searching for pages for other religions like I did for Unitarians, and nothing like that page was near the top of the list, and the pages that do come up revolve around how suicide is wrong, not how to get help. I’m thrilled to see our top page not condemning suicide, but offering preventive measures, so kudos to YRUU. So we are on the right track, I just wish we would do more.

Maybe its something we can put up in our churches, in our RE rooms. Maybe we can talk about it from the pulpit. Maybe we can have a pamphlet available. But I’d imagine that if one is suicidal, they won’t go to church.

Maybe we can just talk about it here. I hit the UU blog search for suicide and nothing came up really except stories about suicide bombers and the like. Maybe being open and honest about it is all that’s needed. So if you came across this post by happenstance and are considering suicide, check this website first - http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Maybe we need an interfaith movement – because we also need to reach out to those of other religions and work with them to prevent suicide – if all kids here that it’s wrong and immoral to commit suicide and will spend life in eternal damnation [instead of the damnation they are currently feeling]…well…I doubt that’s the most effective way of preventing suicide.

Interweave Experiences

So no youth really came [the one who did was with his dad in the hotel] so I didn’t have to spend the night.  But by the time I got back home, I was tired – I crawled into bed and ignored the computer.  Volunteering was a great experience – I felt like I was living up to the role I want to play in having our church be more welcoming – I helped fifty strangers find their way around our church, get them what they needed, etc., but attending theConvo was even better.  I met incredible people throughout all age groups, but I have to admit it was very interesting meeting other young adults who are gay and of my age range.

I’m one of the few people in my 20s/30s+ group that’s under 28, and I’m the only active gay male in the group.  [Interesting to note, of the 10GLBTQPIA (almost looks likes a utopia) young adults there, only me and Joe were guys.  The rest all gals.  Maybe this is UU wide and not just my group wide.]  It was nice having a peer group there I could relate with on a whole different level.  See, I do relate wonderfully to the folks in the 20s/30s+ group, do not get me wrong and don’t get all offended, but I often feel like these folks have a fairly established career, a house, they’ve been through this quarter-life murkiness I find myself in.  There are a lot of commonalities too, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit my feelings that hanging out with the like-aged similar-sexuality folks this weekend made me feel like I was missing that immediate peer group at UUCA sometimes.  So, coming back from the tangent, that experience was wonderful.  They want me to go to Opus this year.  But it’s in Toronto.  I don’t think I’ll be going because of the whole passport, money and getting off work thing (they do say I couldprolly get scholarships to cover it all, but…still…I admit some uncomfortableness with that and I’ll explore where it comes from later.)  But we’ll see.

The workshops were great – especially the one I went to on youth.  This is what completely re-energized me, this workshop, right here.  I had a flood of ideas pop in my head about the Jr. HighYRUU and the ideas came spewing forth from then on – and I can’t wait to get working on some of them.  Example – most youth don’t feel as if they have a connection to the Board.  Well, I’m going to change that at my congregation.  I’m going to invite, push,strongarm, etc., a member of the board to come regularly to my Jr. High YRUU events – not to talk formally, just to be something like an assistant advisor, and just join in with the activity.  Formal, working relationships will build out of the social relationships.

We broke out into small groups, and I had the opportunity to talk with a lot of people on how they need to watch out how young adults are treated in their congregations – it’s too easy to pat us on the head and say “we’ve been here for 20 years and we know what’s best” or to say “Oh!  We have a spot open on this meant just for youth and/or young adults.  So, come and be the token, so we can say we’re doing our job, but not take anything we say seriously since it’s coming from the youth chair.”  They were stunned that the young adults were unanimous in feeling like this at some point in our congregation, and they really wanted ideas on how to alleviate it – it warmed my heart that they really wanted to change.

The keynote gave me great ideas, and an idea for a forthcoming blog post.  The ideas didn’t quite go with the main message, but, alas, there you go.  If you want to partner with a group, then you have to be willing to make it a two way street.  You help with their events to get them to help with your events.  If you want something from them, you have to be willing to give something to them when they ask for it.

“Justice for all doesn’t mean justice for just us.” Paraphrased from Keynote Mandy Carter

We also need to realize that the Welcoming Congregation isn’t a one time affair.  Our church went through this 10 years ago – and how many new folk are here now who never did any of the workshops or training?  It needs to be a continual process, and I think they should mandate from the Welcoming Congregation program that every 10 years you have to redo the training and program in order to keep the status.  They have an additional program called Living the Welcoming Congregation, but first you really do need to redo the Welcoming Congregation bit.

There really were people from all ages – high school to 80 year olds.  It really felt like the theme – Interweaving the Generations.

I feel blessed that I was able to attend.  If it hadn’t been at UUCA, there is NO chance I would have gone.  But since we hosted it, I felt as if I had the opportunity to go, and I thank heavens I did.  I strong encourage everyone out there to attend the next Interweave conference.

Allies are more than welcome too

Jr. High YRUU – October 06

The first meeting of the Jr. High YRUU group went smashingly!

I had no plans 24 hours before it happened…but I ended up deciding to go with the Storytelling theme in honor of my event in three weeks.

Before we got going I had the kids brainstorm a list of things they wanted to do over the year, and I wrote down everything they said.  Including the ever popular “Throw Eli in the recycling bin” and “ride a dragon.”  There were a couple of good ides in there, so we’ll go with those later on in the year.

We started the mean of the evening off with half the group playing tag and the other half playing this story game.  I encouraged the tag players so they could expend a little of that excess Jr. High energy, and those of us who didn’t want to play tag or had soccer injuries had to stay behind, so we played this story game where we wrote one line of a story, passed the paper, the next person wrote a line, then folded the paper so only the most recent line was visible, and passed it.  We got some pretty interesting stories out of it!  Here’s an example of one (where I started the story) -

-Once upon a time, a group of maniacs were playing tag in the hall.
-They had no idea of the danger they were in.
-They were about to learn a new, horrible secret about the ham’s botox surgery.  (dun dun dun)
-The botox killed the fat cells under the skin and deadened the nerves so the ham would not get wrinkles.  What the doctor did not tell anyone was that Botox also killed his brain cells.
-So eventually he was as dumb as a beehive full of apple juice.
-Which is pretty dumb, almost as dumb as the elephant wearing a tutu, which was walking outside.
-The elephant likes pink, is single, and likes peanut butter.
-But peanut butter gets stuck to his roof of his mouth and it is not pretty, yo!
-If he had chosen Nutella, it would not stick on the roof of his mouth AND it would have tasted like chocolate, too!
-But personally I think peanut butter tastes better because its nutty and its butter!!
-Yum yum!  Lets order from PB Pizza and call it a night.

The others are just as odd, and some make me burst out laughing.  YRUU kids have an odd sense of humor at times

After that we had pizza, of course, and then moved onto the main event.  As part of my night of storytelling, I’m having groups within UUCA write stories where the moral of the story is one of the seven principles.  These kids tackled the fourth principle – “A free and responsible search for truth and meaning.”

I split them into three groups (we had 11 kids, so it worked pretty ok) and challenged them to write a 3-5 minute story with the designated moral.  We had a time crunch, but it went pretty good.  One group had some personality clashes but worked it out in the end.  We had the kids vote on their favorite story, where they couldn’t vote for their own.  The group that won wrote a story about knights being sent on a quest to find truth and meaning, but couldn’t find it, so they had to google it.  It wasn’t my personal favorite, but hey, democratic process rules.

I was worried about the youth group – I had never gone to a youth group and this was my first one that I led…I knew all the kids there from class, luckily, so I had some semblance of order.  *yay*  Afterwards a couple of the kids came up to me individually saying they really liked it (one said love it) and had a great time.  That totally re-energized me, as I was feeling burnt out after the Neighboring Faiths visit, and apparently the Sr. High YRUU didn’t go so well.  Now I’ve got a million ideas for YRUU and gotta get them all down before I forget them all.

I put some pictures over there on my flickr account – no more pictures in posts though (too annoying!  Bah!)